Tray (poopsiekins) wrote,

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. . .nEVER tHOUGHT i wAS gUNNA lOSE mY hEAD. . .

Jonathan: Ah, trouble in TraceyLand, are any of us really surprised?
Me: Jonathan please, you wanna be there for me then do it don't make a joke out of it.
Jonathan: You crying?
Me: =( I can't stop, It's been like this for 30 minutes Imma get Ooompa Eyes, I don't want Oompa Eyes help me. =(
Jonathan: What's wrong?
Me: Wrongness Number One --- IM from Drew...
Me: e: 'You can give me so many reaons as to why you should be with me, now give me one why you shouldn't and aren't.' <~ omg sad. cuz my heart was taken before u had it not been that way me n u would be together now and forever -=( i know that aint for or about me but there ya go -=(
Me: I didn't want an explination omg I was just quoting a movie, but yes let's make me cry cuz fuck I just don't do enuff of that right?
Me: Wrongness Number Two --- E-mail from Garrette.
Me: *throws up* I hate him so much gawd. I can't believe he'd do that.
Jonathan: Let me see it?
Me: Yea Hold on.
Me: Sent.
[Since you obviously cannot check ol' Jonfin's email... HERE....
Subj: I keep on fallin'. . .
Date: 8/22/01 1:24:23 AM Central Daylight Time

Well, it's almost 2 am and I should sure as hell be in bed since two a days
start tomorrow, but my roomate was playing some of his CD's earlier and he
played that one NSYNC song you were all freaked about, Selfish or whatever.
So, naturally I started thinking about you and I sat there and tried so hard
to make my thoughts go elsewhere, but that would have been much too easy. I
was doing good without seeing you all summer and just keeping our
communication to on here, but then last week speanding time with you and
seeing you smile and hearing your cute little voice and seeing you smile and
everything I just felt like things were getting back to where we used to be.
And I know I'm with Brooke, and as much as I care for her I cannot be with
her when I've got you on my mind. I know you're 16 and I know you've still
got three years of High School left to take care of, and I know I'm here and
I know you're there... but there's just so many emotions that rush over me
when I think about you. You mean everything to me, I really feel that with
you in my life it's better then it would be without. I know I don't get you
a lot Trace and I know it pisses you off, but you cannot deny that when
we're laughing and talking it's perfect. I love you and I know how hard it
is for you to say that to someone and there's no pressure and I understand
that you don't feel the same. And I completely understand where you're
coming from in everything... but I can't sit here and ignore this feeling
and always wonder how you feel and what we could have made out of all this,
yanno? Anyway, I'll be back over the weekend, call me on Saturday if you
wanna discuss this and I guess if you don't call I know your decision. Love

- Garrette -

Makes ya wawna throw up rite? Yeah, thought so... moving on.]

Jonathan: Why does THAT piss you off?
Me: because... and god please dont get hurt by this, he somehow is the only one who could get halfway through to me through all the drew stuff... he understands me better then the rest of you and i just yanno didn't wanna be confronted with this.
Me: i dont WANT anyone i wanna be alone.
Me: ive been more content being this empty bitch who doesn't let anything bother her then with a relationship
Jonathan: even drew?
Me: it was always ashley jonathan. it was never me. sure i mean a lot to him and he loves me, but i really somehow believe that that's always been where it stopped... maybe im wrong and id like to think i am but i dont know.
Jonathan: so what you're like done dating
Me: remember after me and jussin broke up
Me: how i closed myself off
Me: and was just like i dunno
Me: and then you hadda come along and it was all down hill from there lol nah im kidding
Jonathan: you really think running away from everything is gunna help at all?
Me: do you really think i need tyhis shit
Me: im 16 gawd
Me: i wasnt ever supposed to be in love i wasnt ever supposed to feel like this
Me: i used to have my priorities so stright
Jonathan: i really don't think you've gone as wrong as you'd like to think.
Jonathan: ive never really told you cuz i knew itd piss you off but i think we've reached a point where we can respect what each other says, and i really honestly dont like drew and its not because you like him over me.
Me: why not then. '
Jonathan: you're an emotional wreck tracey.
Me: gawd i kno =(
Me: but it's not HIS fault i came along after ashley
Jonathan: and it's not yours either and he's lead you on. you won't admit that and im sure he'd be pissed if he saw this and im sure you'll post this somewhere but i dont really care what he thinks, he aint my friend and i aint wrapped up in him.
Jonathan: and im not saying this ashley girl is better then you, but she's gotta have SOMETHING for him to pass you up cuz god tracey there's very few things id not do for you to even for a day think of me like you do him.
Jonathan: but ya know, you're smart trace and you know whats best for you more then i could ever try and help, so im sure you'll figure out what needs to be done
Jonathan: but just because you're hurting over him doesnt mean you've gotta shun the rest of the male population
Me: justin hurt me... but it was more my ego yanno? cuz i was like wtf gawd someone better then me? i think not. but with drew i can just oh gawd... its like sharp shooting pains throughout my bodie and gawd it sux.
Me: and as much as it does hurt and shit to realize he's gunna be with ashley for the rest of his life or whatever... i wouldnt change anything or the way i feel.
Me: cuz it was good to experience this yanno
Me: to feel this way about someone
Me: but i do kinda wish i woulda been older
Me: not saying it woulda been easier... its just i got so much going on now that i think it makes me take everything 5 x's harder.
Jonathan: what are you gunna do about garrette
Me: lol hell if i know. i aint gettin with him if thats what you're asking.
Me: i first off couldnt do that to brook... and second of all,even though he does mean some, its not enuff to drag this out. n he's in fukk where is he?
Jonathan: one of the carolinas
Me: oh lovely. anyway. yea he's there what kinda shit is that yeah ok hi you're 239048329842398 miles away but HEY let's have a relationship
Jonathan: ohhh and drew was so much different from that?
Me: id never met drew. there wasn't the detatchment process to go through with him, it started out as a detatchment
Jonathan: oh, that makes sense I guess.
Me: yanno im sure half of what ive said tonite makes no sense lol
Jonathan: still crying?
Me: im kewl.
Jonathan: that's a yes.
Me: shup lol
Jonathan: does it bother you that im with casey?
Me: i could pick out 239048239842390 different girls id rather see you with then her.
Jonathan: so it doesnt bother you that im with someone... just it being her
Me: yea
Me: but you obviously see something in her yanno?
Me: cuz you've gone back to her how many times?
Jonathan: lets not get into who goes back to people so many times little miss i cant make up my mind
Me: when did this all get so confusing
Jonathan: no shit. id give anything to go back to pre-school yanno
Me: fukk you you always put sand down my shirt asshole
Jonathan: lmao c'mon you liked it
Me: YES I LOVED going to the bathroom and having half a sandbox fall outta my pants gawd
Me: ive always been so abused
Jonathan: right
Jonathan: Wah, I was Valentine's Day Princess. Wah, I was Scrimage Princess. Wah, my parents buy me everything I want. Wah, people would pay to be friends with me. Wah, I have the greatest friends ever. Wah, I'm smart as hell. Wah, I'm sexy as hell. Wah Wah Wah.
Me: I wanna be Homecoming Princess first off. My parents do NOT buy me everything have you seen a laptop anywhere around? People who'd pay to be friends with me would be making a bad investment cuz you know as well as anyone what a suckie friend I can be. I do NOT have the greatest friends ever...I have a handful of ones I'd be lost without but the rest are just things yanno.
Me: There's 14 people in the Sophmore class smarter then me. Sexie as hell... shit can't argue with ya there.
Jonathan: who do you think will be homecoming princess for yall?
Me: Well, I'd like to think they'd change the rules just for me... but I'm sayin Courtney, Mattie or Staci.
Me: Hopefully mattie.
Jonathan: oh cmon staci is gunna
Jonathan: shes hot as hell
Me: Mattie is too! Plus she's nice.
Jonathan: what idiots are running for class offices
Me: Rowena (YESSS), Court, Luke, Ben, Chacy, Mel, Amber and Morgan.
Jonathan: who ya think will get the spots?
Me: Pres - Court, Vice - Luke, Sec.- Morgan, Tres. - Ben, Rep - Ween
Jonathan: not real confident on your friend are you?
Me: weena?
Me: fukk id say president but id curse her lol
Jonathan: swut you did with me right?
Me: yep lol
Jonathan: sure you didnt even vote for me did you
Me: You n Derrik. I don't like Casey obviously n Catrina did nothing but bitch all season... and the other, David or whatever... oh lets have a drunk ok? ok!
Jonathan: lol yea and i have to put up with that
Me: i was shocked Derrik didnt get it. i thought all the stupid girls in my class would vote for you n him cuz you were the better looking ones outta the ones running but obviously they dun like derrik lol
Me: ugh i just was closing the email drew sent me that ashley had sent him n she said he was her soul mate.
Jonathan: he didnt say it though
Me: eh.
Jonathan: yea sorry i stopped you from throwing a pitty party there.
Me: shuttup lol
Me: come over tomorrow?
Jonathan: well yea but why lol
Me: so we can freak... god jonathan what do you think? i needa play someone who can actually play before sammi rubs off on me and i suck.
Jonathan: rubs off on you on suckin in more ways than one rieght?
Me: thats meeeeean
Jonathan: well lol
Me: meanazz.
Jonathan: so do you have any clue what you're gunna do?
Me: im gunna speand this school year focusing on my grades
Me: and im actually thinking of deleting AOL n AIM
Jonathan: you could still talk to everyone on the server though
Me: yea.
Me: yanno that email i wrote n showed you?
Me: i never sent him that.
Jonathan: maybe you should have?
Me: I don't think I have it anymore
Me: and i feel like it'll cause problems if i do
Jonathan: does he not deserve to know how you feel
Me: he does... but i dont even know if thats how i feel
Jonathan: trace your so messed up
Me: i know
Me: ever think life would be so much easier if i was a whore? lol
Jonathan: unfortunately you've got too many morals and common sense for that, but empty sex deffinetly could benifit you. empty emotions is deffinetly the route you need to be takin for awhile babe.
Me: awhile ago you told me not to run from things! lets not give me mixed signals here jonfin i get those enuff dont cha think?
Jonathan: yanno what i mean. dont go hookin up with guys and shit. and babe please do not let me see a repeat of the sean thing. that was such complete shit i love you but that was just fucked up
Me: we aint goin there
Jonathan: kcool
Me: call my cell phone n talk to my voice mail im cute
Jonathan: lol
Me: im cereal jonfin!
Jonathan: really its probably best if i dont
Me: you're right i dont want a damn email from you later like garrettes
Jonathan: dont worry i wont add any extra chaos to your life
Me: chachos
Jonathan: whatever lol
Me: la la laaaaaaaa, you can get me the friends videos fro christmas ok? lol
Jonathan: aren't you planning a little early?
Me: if you buy em now then you wont have to worry about it later! plus you've only got 126 shopping days left.
Jonathan: oh god here we go
Me: hahahahaha.
Me: found the e-mailllllll
Me: i sux i sux i sux
Jonathan: if only
Jonathan: lmao sorry.
Me: i want mcdonalds
Jonathan: it's 2 am
Me: i dont care =(
Jonathan: dont become an emotional eater
Me: why
Jonathan: you'll become obese... not that it would matter what you look like but i know you'd go crazy lol
Me: haha you're right
Me: read this. tuff luck, he hadda be the one for me. he'll never be mine, that's what they all say. ill never be next to him, gunna lose this one. i say it's no use, so why try? that boy will never be mine.
Jonathan: whats that
Me: kinda sorta an nsync song but i kinda changed some of it lol
Jonathan: kinda almost perfect huh
Me: yulp.
Jonathan: be honest with me
Jonathan: do you really feel this strongly over him because of who he is or is it the situation that intrigues you
Me: you mean the whole there's actually someone i cannot have thing?
Me: yea that gets the best of me... but i do feel as strongly as i say i do for him, he means everything to me.
Jonathan: have you ever not been able to have someone
Me: aside from like famous people? lol nah seriously... no one ive ever wanted to get with has ever not got rid of the other girl or not wanted to be with me.
Jonathan: must be nice.
Me: must be a pain in the ass. there's never a challenge.
Jonathan: and with drew there is.
Me: no, with drew there's a losin streak. there's no challenge.
Jonathan: lol i guess you're right
Jonathan: does he know how many guys here wnat you
Me: i really dont talk bout yall much
Me: cuz i kno itd bother him if i did... and no offense but i dont think its really that important since i never feel the same, so yanno.
Jonathan: so he has no clue what hes missin out on
Me: he knows me better then anyone... and i guess hed rather fight with ashley and feel sad all the time then be with me. and that's kewl, im really working on this acceptance stuff,.
Jonathan: you think hes ever gunna not feel how he does about her
Me: he'll say so... but she's ALWAYS gunna be on his mind... there's no doubt he thinks shes the one.
Jonathan: that bother you?
Me: like i told him, i cant let this shit bother me. espessially with school in two days. im not going to walk into school and see all those fukkin judging people with oompa eyes and my paitence hanging by a string.
Me: and i have to put my feelings n all aside so i can be there as his friend yanno? and what good would it do to get upset? it wouldnt help the situation it'd make it worse.
Jonathan: see, now you're thinkin smart trace.
Me: i kno i rox.
Me: mmm brownie
Jonathan: And the emotional eating has begun...
Me: my metabolism is too fast for me to gain weight all i do is lose it its pathetic
Jonathan: now that you mention it, you eat like a pig when you're at home.
Me: i know isnt it great lol
Jonathan: you guys plan everything like three years before its there, so what are you doing for your 18th?
Me: westporrrrrtt yesssssss
Jonathan: oh clubbin. that's original.
Me: hey i WAS gunna go to chuckie cheese until krystin stoleded that idea
Jonathan: there's always kidzone lol
Me: no lol
Me: im leavin to orlando the 18th of july tho n i wont be back til like augest 14th.
Jonathan: you payin for all that
Me: pssht. riiite.
Jonathan: go fig huh lol
Me: yelp.
Me: i go nite nite ok?
Me: needa semi go to bed earlie lol
Jonathan: good idea
Jonathan: i'll call ya sometime after noon about balling
Me: aite
Me: latah.
Jonathan: yup

OK! Hi! What did I decide in any of that, Oh, nothing. Good one Trace.

Yanno what? Anyone remember when I was shy? lol Like so shy I hardly talked? Where'd that go? Omg I miss it now that I think about it. =*(

Guess who called me earlier? Philip. HEH. lol He wanted to play ball with me tomorrow, but at the time I wasn't in the mood to... plus uh, I've never played with him so he had to have something else in mind. *shudder* Smoker.

Okay Drew kept talking about the Remix video Dream put out and I never realized it was the damn song I was obbsessed with awhile back. I was like GAWD YES LETS LET EVERYONE ELSE LOVE IT TO CUZ I NEVER HAVE ANYTHING OF MY OWN.

I'm watching Boy Meets World tapes. Just so happens that I popped in the one that had all the Angela and Shawn break-up episodes on it. *sigh* Find me tissues.

Did I mention anywhere that I'm PMSing like crazie? lol Ok like I don't do that all the damn time, gawd. Mood swing after mood swing, it's great.

Damnit Imma go to bed, sooner I wake up tomorrow sooner the Oompie Eyes go away.

I wub yew n yew n yew n yew n yewwwwww mostest.

Yewr ok too.

Yea hi im on crack its kewl tho.
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